urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fleetwood83 fleetwood83 fleetwood83 2005-04-26T15:27:40Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fleetwood83:3382 2005-04-26T15:27:40Z 2005-04-26T15:27:40Z "I don't love you and I never will."<br /><br />those were his exact words<br /><br />the one and only thing i've ever been certain about is gone urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fleetwood83:2070 2005-04-11T12:09:23Z 2005-04-11T12:09:23Z "it's just not meant to be" urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fleetwood83:1960 2005-04-04T17:38:11Z 2005-04-04T17:38:11Z i don't know what's happening anymore. nothing seems to be going right. everything is getting screwed up. everything is going wrong. my friends are getting pissed at me. it seems that every time i call them up it's just to cry to them about my problems. i know that's what friends are for, but i feel as if i'm just becoming a burden. i should have left for new york. i should have started anew. i wouldn't have to deal with heartache like this. i wouldn't have to deal with school shit. i know running away isn't the answer, but it would have made things so much easier. i'm tired of crying. i'm tired of everything. sometimes i wish i didn't go to the hospital back in november. i wish i just stayed in that parking lot until someone found me urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fleetwood83:1704 2005-04-03T02:17:15Z 2005-04-03T02:17:15Z i don't know how much longer i can take it. why must it be this way? what have i don't so wrong in my life to deserve this? i know i must let him go, but how? how do i say goodbye. it's not like i just care about someone who doesn't like me. he's my best friend. i talk to him everyday and i see him quite often. i don't know what to do. my head is spinning so hard right now i don't know what to do. i don't even know what to write urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fleetwood83:1498 2005-04-01T19:36:34Z 2005-04-01T19:36:34Z "A Love Before Time" - Crouching Tiger soundtrack Dear God,<br /><br />We met on a Thursday. He was the most gorgeous man I had ever laid my eyes upon. His eyes were the color of the sky on a summer day (corny but true). His brown hair with the blonde highlights only accented his "perfection". I would come to discover faults in him, but his faults only made me feel stronger towards him.<br /><br />We got together after he got out of work. We talked for a long while, and even took a walk up a huge hill near his house to sit on a boulder and stare at the stars and the view of the city. As the night moved on, we became closer and closer. Eventually, we had our first kiss under the stars.<br /><br />For the first time in my life, a feeling inside me put my stomach in a knot, a knot that I never wanted to have leave me. My heart was bursting with joy. I was finally happy. My heart and my mind were working as one. I knew that very night that this was the man I was going to marry.<br /><br />Over the next couple weeks, I tried making myself seem incredible to this guy. However, I became to clingy and over-crowding for his liking. Without my knowledge, he began seeing someone else. He kept it well hidden until November 16th, about six weeks after we had met.<br /><br />I was completely devastated, to say the least. The man that I had so quickly and innocently fallen for had deceived me. The pain in my heart was insurmountable.<br /><br />The next morning, I took a knife to my wrists. As I watched the blood pour from my body, thoughts of him ran through my mind. I loved him so much. I wanted to be with him. The ground became covered in the fluid that had kept me alive for 21 years. I kept thinking about him. If I couldn't have him, I at least wanted closure, even if that closure was just a simple "good-bye". I went to the hospital and got patched up in no time.<br /><br />Over the next three weeks, I tried my best to get on my own two feet. We still weren't talking.<br /><br />I began doing things for myself. I began going to clubs and hanging out with new friends. I went out on a couple dates and even began to become somewhat serious with this one guy. Through all of this, however, I still thought about him everyday.<br /><br />In December, I got a phone call from him saying he wanted to talk. I drove to his house. We discussed how we both did each other wrong. I pushed to hard to be with him, and, he, well, lied.<br /><br />One thing both he and I believed in strongly was forgiveness. And, that's exactly what we did.<br /><br />Over the next few weeks, we began to form a friendship. As our bond grew stronger and stronger, our friendship turned into a "best-friendship".<br /><br />At the end of January, he left for college. The old saying is "absence makes the heart grow fonder." It's entirely true. My love for him is still there, yet grows stronger everyday.<br /><br />He doesn't feel the same for me. He's prayed his entire life for someone like me...what's going on?<br /><br />I guess the reason I'm writing this is to ask for your help. I promise to live the rest of my life for, not just me, but for him as well. He is my best friend, my confidant. Tell him how my heart feels. Help him see who I am and that my heart is true. I can and will be strong for him. I don't know if he's afraid to let his heart out or what. Just remind him: not everyone is hurtful.<br /><br />I love him and I will love him until his end of time. My heart is his for the taking.<br /><br />Sincerely yours,<br />Pete urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fleetwood83:1181 2005-03-31T05:34:42Z 2005-03-31T05:56:59Z "For Good" - Wicked so i'm lying in bed watchin "aqua teen" before i go to sleep. i can't help but think about my life and where it stands today. there's just so much going on. first of all, i got into uconn, so come september, i'll be outta here! i'm having trouble finding a new car, but hopefully i'll find something soon. <br /><br />i guess the biggest thing right now is my heart. why can't you choose where you're heart should go? i've never felt this way before in my entire life, yet it's only a one-way street. i try to be the best i can be, and i know i do a good job at it. i don't mean to sound conceited, but i work hard at being a good and loving person. i've waited my entire life to find someone and perfect and extraordinary as the one i've found. however, love cannot be forced upon or out of someone who isn't feeling it. i guess i know deep down in my heart that nothing more will ever happen. i guess there is always the chance that i'm wrong, but there's no way of knowing. i love him with all my heart and soul.<br /><br />everyone always tells me that we're still young. i know that that can be true, but there are exceptions. Amanda and David got married when they were 18. Dan's friend Lynz just got married and she's 19. love doesn't revolve around age. therefore, i am convinced my love is true and sincere. i don't need his love. however, i don't know what exactly it is that i do need.<br /><br />i give my word: the one i spend my life with will be the luckiest person ever. i won't necessarily spoil him with material things, but the amount of love that i poor from my heart will be insurmountable. while i know who'd i enjoy spending my life with, i don't think it will ever happen. i guess that's just the way the world turns.<br /><br />"because i knew you, i have been changed for good"<br /><br />i just can't help but feel that there is something there......i'm not quite sure what it is. i remember the day i slit my wrists. that night i was down at fairfield university with my cousin. i said, "jon...there's a reason that he was brought into my life. i can't really describe it, but there's something there. i can't let him out of my life." and i still feel that to this day. i love him. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fleetwood83:965 2005-03-28T17:05:31Z 2005-03-28T17:05:31Z Defying Gravity from "Wicked" bored at work. nothin to do. will update soon urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fleetwood83:601 2005-03-22T06:25:33Z 2005-03-22T06:25:33Z it's 1:30am and i can't sleep. how can you sleep when the one you love is beyond unhappy? i don't know what to say here. all i know is that my heart has found someone truly extraordinary, yet i can't make him happy urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fleetwood83:320 2005-02-06T18:32:58Z 2005-02-06T18:32:58Z Whiskey Girl This is my new livejournal. Let's hope no one hacks into this one!<br /><br />Anywhoo, here I am sitting at Pete's house waiting for him to finish showering...he's such a woman! Things have been going pretty well, I guess. I'm working full time now at the store, and I got put on salary, so the money is flowing in. I'm in school full-time (all online courses) which is pretty tough. And, the new apartment is treating me pretty well. It's gets lonely, especially at night, but I'm learning to deal.<br /><br />I've been workin on my application to UCONN for the fall semester...definitely looking forward to that! I think it'll definitely be good for me to get away and get a real college experience.<br /><br />Some good news: Judy's home from Iraq! That was an awesome surprise...no one was allowed to know she was coming home until her plane landed...it was great! She's doing so well and looks really happy.<br /><br />Let's see...Pete and I have been getting along so well. We are best friends. All we do is laugh when we're together. We also fight (kick, bite, scream, punch, spit)...good times. We recently made up our own rendition of Shania Twain's "Party for Two." We dominate the original!<br /><br />I finally got my snowmobile that I've been waiting for since August...glad the snow is melting!<br /><br />I'm doing my best to keep my head up. I got put on a second anti-depressant (does that make ya depressed or what?). Hopefully, I won't have to be on them for much longer. I hate taking pills every day haha. <br /><br />For now, I'm learning how to finally stand on my own two feet, not relying on other people to make me happy. It's great to have friends and, even better, a best friend who would do anything for me, but I can't depend on them. I have to learn how to make myself happy. I am trying harder than ever now, considering I almost lost a friend recently do to my lack of self. <br /><br />That's about it for now. Will update soon...